Posted by
on May 27th, 2012 and filed under Hi there
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We got together when I was very young and it was not a good relationship for me – controlling, possessive and I beame very isolated and had very low self esteem. Before this time I was popular and happy. It was very volatile – lots of fights, breakups and reunions until i went overseas 5 years ago. In this year my partner realised he needed to change to keep me. When i came back we got back together – in part bc I had no support network here other than him. However he certainly had changed and was very committed to me and our relationship. For the next 3 years we proceeded on, and while the relatinoship was much better there was still a tendency for him to override my opinions. 1 year ago we started seeing a relationsip counsellor who has really helped us get our relationship back on track. We have both made a lot of changes and I feel that we now have a really trusting, caring and respsectful relationship. HOWEVER our wedding is in a few months and I am freaking out. I told my partner that i wanted to postpone and he has taken it really badly and is very hurt that he has made so much change only to have me say it isn’t enough and now he wants to end the relationship. SO now I am faced with the choice: get maried or break off an 11 year relationship – and now I am almost 30. What should I do? My reasons for postponing are two-fold 1) i am freaking out bc of our past although really i think i should be able to get over this but 2) in all this time i have only just recently started looking after my own needs and i feel like i have a lot of self-development to do to further this, which is really important to me. My partner doesn’t see why the wedding needs to obstruct this process. Interested in others thoughts on what I should do from here (break off engagement or go through with wedding). PLease help!
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dear oh dear. I am really really sorry for all that you hve beenthrough and all that you are going through and also, all that you will go through if you marry this boyfriend of yours. Where do I begin? You should never ever ever marry anyone just because they shame you into doing it or because you are embarrassed into it or talked into it. Marriage as you very well know, is a commitment just like change. He feels bad because he made all these changes and you won’t marry him? Well, gees! I thought that he should make changes for his own good, because he was convinced that he needs them so don’t ever ever let him or allow him to take you on a guilt trip. If he claims that he made these changes to marry you or something of the sort, know then that they are not real. I am so so sorry my dear, it is tough and you’ve been together so long but I don’t like this guy. He doesn’t sound genuine and he is making you feel guilty because you want to postpone the wedding. I mean it’s not like you told him you will never marry him! If he breaks up with you just for wanting to postpone the wedding, this means that he has no respect for your opinions and it will become worse and worse as you become husband and wife. So so sorry my dear but I have seen this pattern time and again through my 2-year-volunteer work on a hotline helping victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. You are only 30 and there is a whole life ahead of you so get out of it before it’s too late.
break it off, you are not comfortable finding yourself and being married at the same time.
Postponing a wedding is not the same as just telling him you do not want to get married, so if he cannot understand, then he has the problem and not you.
Since you both have broken up and reunited many times, you should not be afraid to break up again if that is what he wants to do.
In the UK we have an old saying If in doubt Don’t.
This is very true.