Whats wrong with me…?

Start off I’m 14 year old male in grade 9 (15 in July) My life’s pretty horrible (All explain somewhat…) and I think I have a problem – Reasons why :::
1- I count repeatedly in my head, when waiting for something. Like: 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 3 1 2 1 2 1 Ya in some kind of pattern that’s one of them. :/
2- I bounce a beach type ball on my wall…It helps me think.
3- I’m a cleanfreak (Sorta, unless I’m feeling depressed and worthless then idc like right now) But yea I have the cleanest room in the house and if I see a mess downstairs in the kitchen all most likely clean it, I have to clean after my siblings alot, it just annoys me if I don’t. -_- Also I change my room, when I’m depressed, I think it will help my life get better, it makes me feel good for that day, but usually doesn’t do me much good. But still happen to do it, every once in awhile…
4- I’m shy sort of (About 50%) I have my group of friends in all, but at certain times, I’m a lot shyer then other times. But ya my saying is haters hate, for those haters, I just don’t care anymore about them! Also I have a fear of the hallways…(Maybe cause I get bullied because I’m shy, I’m not agressive enough and I suck at standing up for myself to people at school I don’t talk to :/) I usally chill in the library, but it’s not all that bad (It’s huge, still talk to friends in class ALOT and in library if they come in…sometimes chill outside of library every now and then, but ya) And I HATE the fear of everything going away!!!….Like I make this awesome new “Best friend” (In my mind anyway) and we would like talk alot, but I have a fear, that I’m going to loose the friend, because I like have no personality and I feel like a boring guy with nothing interesting to say or no personality. :’(
5 Like my personality is all over the place. I like video games, I hate them…Same with sports, I’m not really good at 1 sport, I’m only a little good at them all… I’m always have a bad habit of watching TV shows like Degrassi, The cosby show, PLL…, Wizards of waverly Place ect…I’m one to keep up on watching the episodes on youtube in the right order Right now I’m watching Boy Meets World (On Youtube, On season 4!:)) But yea, it just makes me happy watching showsand like I’m accomplishing something…:/And when I’m watching the shows, when I go out in the real world, I try to be them, act like them, make that person me. I just want to be myself, but I don’t know who I am. :’( But ya I don’t play intruments, or ride dirtbikes, or animals lover, or play sports, or video games, or technology freak, do singing/dancing ect… I’m just a loser with nothing. I do freaking art, it’s my only talent and I’m starting realize I’m not the best at that…and I like cars, but talking with others about them I worry up, because I don’t really know everything about cars.
6- If I don’t have a good day as being planned, its back to being depressed in bed on computer for the next couple days or maybe less or more…..
7- I’m bi-sexual (Only 6 friends know!) Maybe that’s whats making me so confusing…..? I don’t want to be bi-sexual tho. I just want to NOT get attracted to guys, just love girls and have a wonderful family with one, one day.
8- When something dosen’t work, in my mind I get really pissed.
9- I scratch myself with a pen/pencil or pinch myself on my left hand alot of times at school…It helps hold in nervous/stress/or tired laughter? Or I do it, if I’m in an awkward situation. :/ I have alot of cuts/scrathes on my left arm from doing it and it make me tend to wear long sleeves. :’( I just wish I was normal…..
10- I’m not very good with paying attention in school 50% of the time…I get off track in my brain, tend to zone out. I just can’t stop thinking of you to be, how to act, what do I do with myself, what’s my personality, who do I want to be ect… =(
12- I get the feeling of not important or worthless sometimes. Like peeople will get tooken out of class (Like some my friends to do something funand all feel not inportant because they never even told me where there going. (But ya theres more…not enuff room to write all here, sry bad grammer!)
11- If I get mad at one of my many siblings I will like slap them, dump water on the, mess up there room, punch them, take something from them ect…I know I’m immature guy! :/ I wish I was funny, mature, nice, ect…even tho I do take care of myself the most, work, school, buy most my cloths shoes, junk food, haircuts, ect… But ya I tend to think way to much prob? I just hate my life so much, I just want to be happy. :’( And right when things were getting a bt better with an awesome friends at school, it’s now Easter break for 5 whole days! Won’t see them till then…greeeeat…FML. S

Meg says:

October 6, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Sounds like you have a touch of obsessive compulsive disorder (counting in your head, etc) It’s not normally any big problem. You’re a teenager. Most of your friends, male and female, will be thinking almost exactly the same way as you, even if they don’t appear to be doing so. Most teens worry about how they appear to others, wanting to be perfect, have it all, have others think they know everything. I’ll tell you a secret – most people (not just teenagers) are so obsessed with how they appear to others that they don’t notice anything about anyone else. They are wrapped up in their own concerns that they don’t notice other people’s needs, wants or worries.

Try to put your attention on the other person when you are talking to them. Think about what they are saying and what they are meaning, NOT what your reply is going to be or looking for a break so you can say something.

Carla says:

October 6, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Change what you want to about yourself, but in the end you are who you are. accept that.(:

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